My Comrade is a Jerk
by Pollux Unbound
Summary: Kakashi and Iruka are out on a mission where Kakashi is behaving like a total jerk. Then he blurts something out…something BIG. Oneshot. KakaIru.


**Disclaimer**: Kishimoto owns Naruto

Rarely did any of the five Hokages embark two shinobi on a mission. In fact, they normally had a group of three at their disposal. As this was often the case, Umino Iruka wondered what crept up Tsunade to decide on sending him off to arrest some criminal from the next village, alone…

…alone with Hatake Kakashi.

With this dreaded mission at hand, Iruka resentfully recalled that day when he and Kakashi had a mild argument concerning their responsibilities to the three Genins, Sakura, Naruto, and Sasuke. Since then, Kakashi, in Iruka's presence, would transform at once as though the Chuunin had touched down straight from the dumpsite. Iruka, for his part, would persevere to act unfazed and would ignore the Jounin's disagreeably surly behavior whenever circumstances called for it.

But he could only take so much.

"Tsunade-sama, with all due respect, I deem it rather inconvenient to send a two-man team on this kind of assignment—" Iruka could not finish,

"Kakashi-san is a very able ninja, and so are you. More than that, I do not question my judgments, hence that should be good enough for you." Tsunade said in a very business-like manner.

"Maybe I'm not good enough for him." A voice that neither belonged to Tsunade nor Iruka shot across the room. Sure enough Kakashi had arrived and he brought with him his zest for subtle and nasty remarks, which were exclusively persecuted within Iruka's earshot.

"And what do you mean by that?" Iruka demanded as his voice was lifted to exude hints of animosity.

"Nothing, really; nothing less than you implying the inappropriateness of me being appointed—" Kakashi was unable to continue,

"That's enough. If you two are this unwilling to execute my orders, perhaps I should pull you out already." Tsunade warned.

This shut them up. Now composed and brimming with confidence, Kakashi bowed and said, "We'll set off at once." But before turning to the Chuunin, he informed, "meet me at the gate in fifteen minutes." He finished before disappearing.

Iruka sighed somberly while things like "The pompous prick!", "The nerve of that insufferable jerk!" were on the verge of being uttered.

This was the last thing he could ever ask for. For one thing, the silence was discomforting him to the point of brewing a conversation with this person, the disturber of his peace, harbinger of gloom, destroyer of his tolerance, and all things unholy to his existence. He could've sparingly put the tension behind them and forget every unpleasant exchange that transpired between them before now, for wasn't he popular for being socially amiable? Hadn't he always won the students' poll on the most favorite teacher category? Yet the Jounin was rendering it too difficult to attain, and today proved to be of no exception.

"Let's get a move on already; we're given three days to get this over with." Kakashi told him, perhaps implying that he was keeping them behind schedule.

_Whatever! _The Chuunin thought. Instead, a succinct "I know" were the words that escaped his mouth.

The journey to the next village was initially running a smooth, if not exactly pleasant, course, except perhaps for the constant meaningful glances which Kakashi was so fond of throwing. But setting aside meaningful glances, the most disturbing among his overtures took place on the second day of the journey. Having reached an agreement, and an almost wordless one at that, they decided for break time to span an hour at most. And so at lunch break on the second day, Iruka decided to use the one hour window to bathe in the nearby river.

"I'll be back in a few minutes. I'll just take a bath." He told Kakashi. Without waiting for a reply, he headed straight to the river. But as the spot came into view, he was greeted by the presence of someone and the fact that he wouldn't be bathing alone. Upon closer inspection, he could make out that the person swimming in the water was male and he had…_gray hair_?

_What the fuck is this jerk doing here_?! Iruka muttered to himself, his annoyance ramping up to a dangerously steep curve with each pace he took. What the sight was suggesting was clear and should come as no surprise; the Jounin could cover several meters of distance in only a few seconds, an ability which notably surpassed that of the Chunin. But that hardly mattered, because hadn't Iruka earlier made the other aware that he was to take a bath, thereby securing for himself what privacy was required in taking a damned bath, if only for a few minutes?

'_First come first serve' hardly applies here! _He thought angrily. _For one thing, I'm the first one who came up with the idea of bathing and it's not like he's very much acquainted with hygiene, for Pete's sake! For another, he's a complete and utter jerk!_

He felt a harsh stab of anger which, for some bizarre reason, extended to grace Kakashi's senses, thus making his presence known.

The Jounin, in return, stared at him coolly and swam for the bank to grab his raiment, to which Iruka looked away out of courtesy. When the Jounin had finished clothing himself, the Chuunin made for the water. But as they brushed past each other their shoulders collided, which Iruka suspected was orchestrated accidentally-on-purpose. He immediately assumed that Kakashi's propensity for mocking him would manifest instantly, but when their eyes met the Jounin merely smirked at him. Unfortunately for Iruka, he didn't find it less worthy of his irritation.

"Sorry." He muttered, disguising his contempt not very successfully.

Things were faring more complex than they needed to be. Indeed, every ground they stepped on proved to be a perfect playground for arguments. They would disagree about the simplest of things, and straying one meter off the path drawn on the map would set both of them off cursing left, right, and center.

"Why don't you just draw your own map and name it 'A Guide to Misdirection' instead? Perhaps that would shorten our misery, so both of us can just get our foreheads stamped with 'Mission Failed!'. Easy as that!" Iruka snarled.

"If you haven't been noticing, Mr. Genius, I'm cutting it down to shortcuts to award us more time, seeing as how you bear up not very swiftly." Kakashi answered, endeavoring to keep his voice sarcastically friendly.

And the world around them could expect cursing aplenty, but still the length of the day restricted them so that countless unaccountable terrible words were still left unuttered.

It seemed to Iruka that they were taking four steps forward and five steps backward; thanks to Kakashi's lengthy contribution in prolonging their torment by leading them to a dead end. It could've been so much better, the Chuunin thought, if they hadn't failed to behave with utmost cooperation and teamwork when such were greatly required of them. And yet the descending darkness had not managed to provide them with a clear warning that further delay would find them facing the next day with hardly a progress in fulfilling half of the mission. Instead, they continued to throw nasty remarks and insults at each other, pining with great effort to injure what was left of their ego. Clearly, they were arguing like the mission itself: going nowhere.

Just as Iruka's waning tolerance was trudging its way to its inevitable disappearance, their luck had now decided to abandon them to their own device. But then, again, things couldn't possibly get any worse, if you took into account all the curses the sky had been receiving ever since the two were dispatched... well, surprisingly, they could, and the proof was staring them straight in the face: Kakashi had been poisoned and was now reduced to his knees, clutching his miserable leg where some unknown miscreant had taken the merry pleasure of rendering the mission to approach its postponement.

"Seriously, Kakashi, this is just the perfect time to get poisoned!" The Chuunin complained with a slight panic and a worried look as he kneeled beside his comrade. He seemed to have forgotten about the barely concealed hostility he would automatically exercise toward the other.

But Kakashi did not answer. He was now writhing in what he thought was deep pain, lying on the dirt on his side, eyes tightly shut, and lips trembling wretchedly. As such, Iruka could hardly get his limbs and torso to move in coherence. To top it off, the case seemed serious, and, to add on that, the Jounin looked as though he could slip into unconsciousness any minute now. As a result, the Chuunin found himself dabbing antidotes on the swelling boil and dropping unrecognizable liquids on Kakashi's mouth.

As his instincts dictated, Iruka cradled the Jounin's head on his lap. One of the antidotes was bound to work; he would just have to wait for it to take effect, and for the meantime make Kakashi as comfortable as his resources could afford.

It would take a few hours for the poison to subside, naturally, therefore the Chuunin was left with nothing productive to do but to survey the darkness to find anything which would perhaps relieve him of the boredom of watching for the sleeping Kakashi. He stared at the Jounin's face. Aside from the profuse sweating and the heavy and rapid breathing, he seemed rather harmless and far from the person whose favorite pastime was to aim his sarcasm at Iruka out of sheer malicious pleasure.

In time, Kakashi awoke. He looked restless, and his complexion was as pale as the moon. His bloodshot eyes shifted to Iruka's face. But as the Chuunin was to offer him whatever assistance he had readied, the Jounin spoke, in a manner that surprised the other,

"Listen, I'm afraid I'm not given enough time to say this properly…" his voice faded as he swallowed the lump in his throat with much difficulty. An ample amount of time elapsed, and Iruka concluded that Kakashi was suffering from a delirious mental state due to the poison and the strong antidote he had administered on him.

"You should rest, Kakashi. All will be fine." Iruka reassured the mentally distressed Kakashi.

"No. Listen here," Kakashi started again with much sincerity and misplaced calmness and sentimental solemnity that the Chuunin was taken aback. Somehow, Iruka was expecting to hear something nonsensical and utterly disjointed, given that the Jounin was on the verge of temporarily losing his wits. Perhaps he was about to apologize for the way he had been treating the other out of the ridiculously false knowledge that he was nearing his death.

Iruka, however, was to hear something more than just an apology. A surprise of a lifetime. The confession of the century.

And so Kakashi now grabbed the Chuunin's collars, pulling his face closer to his, "I love you, okay!" He blurted out while shaking Iruka by the collars, as though the latter was the lone hope against evil and humanity's prevalence blah blah blah.

The Chuunin stared at him, mildly embarrassed. Once upon a happier time, he had only Kakashi's nastiness and miserly behavior to worry about. But now he would have to live with this unexpected confession forcing its way in his skull, in his soul, poking his body anywhere and everywhere.

"Er, Kakashi, I think you should take more rest—"

"Didn't you hear me?! I've just told you something of much importance and all you have to say to that is—"

"Kakashi, calm down!"

"I can't calm down! Jeez, I'm dying! This may as well be my last chance. Let me seize this opportunity to tell you then; I. LOVE. YOU. Live with it."

"Kakashi, this is utterly-"

"What? Romantic? Iruka, let's make love, for my sake. Let's just do it. I don't have much time left and if you deny that chance to me…argh, how can you say 'no' to a dying man?!" Kakashi said in utmost, honest panic. apart from the volume he was using, his face was pallid and streaking with perspiration. Indeed, he looked quite on his way to dying.

Iruka smiled weakly, or else he just didn't know what expression to assume under the circumstances. After a moment of peace, he finally said, "You're not dying, for crying out loud."

"You're being completely—" Kakashi's voice was cut short. His eyes widened in bewilderment. "I'm not…gulp…dying?" He continued slowly and shakily.

Iruka nodded as if in slow motion. In wanting to break the horribly awkward silence that ensued, he spoke, "Er, you should sleep for another hour. The medicine I gave you must be manifesting its side effects, but they're only temporary. No need to worry." He finished, his eyes determined to miss Kakashi's.

As if some dark and unseen magic engulfed him, Kakashi was transported back to his normal obnoxious self. "I didn't ask for your help." He said coldly and dismissively.

"Your body did. You were coiling and twisting and God knows what else."

"'I can look after myself, thank you very much."

Iruka cast him a disbelieving and indignant look. "What crept up your ass?" He asked.

"Watch your mouth; I'm your sempai."

"What the hell is the matter with you?" the Chuunin retorted, his voice escalating to a considerable volume.

"Nothing. It's just that you failed to tone down your nosiness below profoundly annoying and vexing."

"What's wrong with you?! I just mended your wound and possibly saved your life! You ingrate—"

"What's wrong with me? _You're_ what's wrong with me!"

Iruka was staring at him in wild astonishment. _What a jackass_! His mouth was bursting to scream.

"It's not my problem if you're so fucking into me!" Iruka said as boldly as he could manage before he could stop himself.

Kakashi froze. He then, without further ado, stood up and turned his back on the Chuunin, ready to depart and continue with their mission. This left Iruka mildly embarrassed with his outburst.

Upon reaching a great distance from whence they settled earlier, Iruka spoke,

"So, er, did you mean what you said back there?"

"Which one? The part when I called you annoying? Yeah, definitely." Kakashi answered casually.

"Not that. You said you were in love with me. Did you mean it?"

Iruka expected a hysterical outburst, an indignant denial, a series of unbearable curses, perhaps even a taste of the Sharingan. Instead,

"So what if I did?" Came Kakashi's irritated reply.

What a charming jerk.

END


End file.
